You have heard of Yuppies (Young Urban Professionals). They are the upwardly mobile, label-conscious folks that are so easy to chuckle at. YAPpies (Young And Poor) are the downwardly mobile guys who have the benefit of youth on their side but not too much else. The other Dirty Seven have “Man” at the ends of their nicknames. But the YAPpie hasn’t grown up yet, so he has not earned “Man.” He might grow up one day; then again, he might not.
He might forget his wallet on a date, so you payHe might not have a car, so you drive if you need to go somewhere. He might forget his wallet on a date, so you pay. He might not be able to hold onto a job, or even have the will to get a job. If he does have a job, it is not a stepping-stone to a higher calling. It is a minimum wage or temporary thing that doesn’t demand much intelligence or skill, just the ability to show up. Showing up at work is not his strong point, however. He’s not great at showing up on time either.
He possibly still lives with his parents, or is a perpetual student. He is still a kid in many ways, especially in the area of financial responsibility. Sometimes he is happy-go-lucky; sometimes he wallows in self-pity and excuses. But he never organizes his mind around creating a fulfilling future for himself or anyone else.
A Plentiful Category
Unlike GuyMan, the YAPpie is by far the most abundant category of Dirty Seven on the dating scene. He is the most fun but does not have the wherewithal to pull his weight in a relationship. Lonely women settle for YAPpies because they are so easy to find and they don’t have the patience to wait for a gem to come along. YAPpies bring out the maternal instinct in many women and are often strong and eager in bed. Young and poor guys exist out there in droves. The nightclubs, malls, and bars are full of them.
Colleges are full of them, too. But just because a college guy is young and poor and in college, does not mean he is a YAPpie. Most students go to college to gain skill and knowledge they can use to create an independent life for themselves, doing work they enjoy. The YAPpie is the perpetual student who is still “finding himself” after many years.
No Goals, No Plans
Most young guys start out with very little. That is not the problem with being young and poor. What distinguishes the YAPpie from the young guy just starting out in life is this: The YAPpie has no ambition. He is drifting along with no goals or plans.
It is understandable that when guys are young they don’t have a lot of money. That is fine, and expected, when you see that they are working every day to fulfill their dreams. It is worth it to risk being with a young man who has potential and whose work habits show promise. But the YAPpie doesn’t show much potential except for self-entertainment and escape. Like a child, he does not ponder his future or yours with him.
Doesn’t Have It
The YAPpie is defined by lack. He doesn’t have a car because he couldn’t make the insurance payments or he just can’t get the money together to fix the old car he has. It’s sitting in the garage waiting for a new engine. But he has a story about that too. So you do the driving on your dates. You drive him around for other things as well, because he needs a ride and you can’t see him hitching everywhere. Besides, without a car, it is difficult to have a job. So maybe you also drive him to work too. That way, he may be able to make enough money to take you out somewhere besides the fast food joint.
Or, he didn’t pay his many parking tickets, and was driving without his registration, so his car has been impounded. He will be able to get it when you “loan” him the money. Meanwhile, he will watch a lot of daytime TV so he can forget his troubles. He gets on the Internet, chats, and plays games. “A guy’s gotta have his fun!” Gosh, where did all the time go? He didn’t even get a chance to do his laundry today and he has nothing clean to wear. When you get home from work, he thinks it will be no problem for you to toss in a load of wash for him.
You end up paying for most of your dates with him and if he moves in or marries you, you will pay for him for the duration. He gets moody if you don’t give him money to buy his weekly CDs and magazines. When you buy him a cell phone, he runs up a hefty bill talking to “friends.” “Why is she so cranky about this?” he wonders. He hasn’t made the connection between his actions and what they cost. Money is not something he thinks about at all, except when he needs it. Then he gets it from you. One day you wake up and see that you are doing most of the giving and he is doing most of the taking.
Not All Are Takers
Not all YAPpies are takers. Some are just young and poor and have a long way to go before they are ripe for a relationship. They may be great in bed and have the stamina of six stallions. You are happy with that aspect of them. They don’t care if you don’t buy them toys or pay their bills (Mom and Dad are still helping out). They are fun and you feel lighthearted around them. It doesn’t bother them that they don’t even have a bank account or are delivering pizzas and sharing an apartment with six guys. They can go on like that forever and be happy.
YAPpies do not take care of you; you take care of themThis type of YAPpie is easier to get along with than the moody one, whom you have to keep entertained. So, if you have a lot of time before you want to look for a relationship with an equal partner, you might date this type, thinking that he will grow up one day. However, if you have to wait for someone to change, it is better to move on than to hope for a miracle. Because you can wait a long time before Peter Pan and the Lost Boys grow up.
This YAPpie, like the more demanding type, is allergic to thinking about the future for himself, so don’t expect him to think about your future needs. It’s all about fun and, as long as that is all you want, you will get it. But if you want something deeper, move on. “Commitment” is not in his dictionary. If you want to watch the corners of his mouth turn down with disgust or see a blank look in his eyes, mention “commitment” to him.
The Common Thread with Other Dirty Sevens
A Baby’s Me-ism
Me-ism is a term I use for the quality that puts “me” first at all times and is common to all the Dirty Seven. YAPpies show you in many ways that you are not uppermost in their thoughts. But they are different from ScarMen, SideMen, CrazyMen, and GuyMen, because their me-ism is more like a baby’s. They are happy when you are taking care of them but cannot give much back on an equal basis. Like babies, they are the centers of their world and everything is there to feed or entertain them. They are not there to make anybody happy. They just exist, at that point, to receive.
But a baby’s me-ism is temporary and he has the potential to grow and change. The baby is adorable and loveable, designed by nature to be cute. Its cuteness, smallness, and extreme youth lend it charm and solicit nurturing behavior from adults around him. Babies’ helpless yet demanding natures make them intriguing as survival mechanisms.
However, the YAPpie is stuck in babyhood. Me, me, me and not you, you, you, is the message. “You are the sacrificing mother, you give to me, and I do not give back to you.” It is a relationship of unequals. But it stops being cute, if it ever was, as Mom runs herself ragged maintaining her large hatchling that should have left the nest a long time ago.
Take Care of Me
You may be the caretaker type and want to take care of a baby to feel needed. If that is the case, go for a YAPpie. You have learned to put yourself last in a relationship, so his taking ways are familiar to you. YAPpies do not take care of you; you take care of them. If you are the controlling woman who likes to wield the purse strings, then YAPpies are perfect for you. But if you want to feel equally cared for, leave YAPpies alone.
An example: My friend Deirdre was madly in love with Paul. It was OK that he didn’t have any money, didn’t work, and just sat around waiting for her to come home from her demanding job. Or, he’d go to the gym and pump iron and then go home and wait for her. He was a tiger in bed and so good-looking! He was great to show off to her friends who looked on with envy.
They didn’t know that when Paul and Deirdre went shopping together he filled the cart with items he wanted. Mommy Deirdre would pay. He got cash from her regularly for other things too. She just wanted to keep him happy, and to treat him the way she would like to be treated. She also wanted to give him everything he wanted so he would be hers forever and never seek satisfaction elsewhere.
She bought him a car and gave him a credit card for gas. When she saw he was running up the cell-phone bill to his ex, she turned a blind eye and paid for it. She was used to overlooking a lot of things by now. He was happy, and that was enough for her. She loved him so much; it didn’t matter that he didn’t really show that he loved her back. But when he took the car to spend the weekend with his ex, she began to feel resentful.
As she was sitting around alone that weekend, she began to hate his guts and felt so bitter she broke down and sobbed. She gave him so much! And how did he repay her kindness? By taking advantage of her! What a moron she had been. She had been living on denial and hope. She could not see the signs because she didn’t want to look.
Too Much Effort
The YAPpie is not like GuyMan or SideMan, who manipulate the truth to be with you. He is up front about not having money or ambition. So, from that point of view, he is not as nefarious as they are. He also does not make the effort they do to entrap you. You, if you are a certain kind of woman, you allow yourself to be used by him. He is not that hard a worker and depends on you to do the work.
Nor is he like the droning bore, ScarMan, because he doesn’t have much of a past to obsess about. He is like an empty room with the breeze blowing through the curtainless windows. He is happy sitting around being entertained by mass media and seeks female companionship only when his genitals lead him onwards.
He is not like CrazyMan, because he doesn’t specifically have annoying behaviors that he must perform ritualistically. In a lot of ways he is like the typical disaffected young guy who watches way too much TV, has blown his hearing out playing his speakers too loud, and has stronger opinions about a favorite music group than on the meaning of life. He has lightweight opinions, not obsessions.
But just because he seems better than the other Dirty Seven, he is still not good enough, because like all the others, you are there to please him. He is not there to please you (except perhaps in bed, and even that can be inadvertently due to his age-related staying power). He does not think about how he can make you happy, and too much of the effort is coming from you most of the time. If he were the provider, you’d quickly go under, and since he has no inclination to be it anyway, it is all up to you. Work, work, work, to support this parasite, who doesn’t have the emotional development to understand the spirit of giving that love requires.
What Can You Do?
The problem with being involved with a YAPpie is that you already do too much. Do less for him and see how he acts. If he becomes moody and morose, it is a good indication that he is a dyed-in-the-wool YAPpie who will not change. He will move on eventually to someone who will cater to him, because he is a species of parasite that survives by living off women and that is all he knows.
If he notices you have been doing less for him and brings up the topic, tell him how one-sided the relationship seems to you. If he recognizes this and says he will do more for you because he doesn’t want to lose you, wait. YAPpies have learned that words and promises, not actions, have gotten them where they want to be. If his freeloading ways haven’t occurred to him before you point them out to him, he might be a lost cause anyway.
A Tenacious Category
YAPpies don’t want to change because the payoff is great for them. They get to live off of women and move on when the well runs dry or the woman wises up. Their hearts are not involved, so they look for the next gravy train. Once a YAPpie said to me, “I don’t’ need to take this treatment from you, I have a corporate Vice President who wants me to move in with her.”
They look for women who want to be caretakers. There are plenty out there, and the rewards are great for the lucky YAPpie who will ride your gravy train until a better one comes along.