Throughout the years, both as a drinker and a bartender, I’ve spent a lot of time observing people in drinking environments. The behavioral changes brought about by alcohol have led me to determine that there are four major categories of drunks: The Good Drunk, The Bad Drunk, The Funny Drunk, and The Sad Drunk. Once I get more descriptive, I’m sure any drinker will be able to match a face to each one of these categories. I know I can.
The Good Drunk
Let’s start with The Good Drunk — these people really get to me. Why, you ask? Well, this is the “drunk type” I strive to be. They are the ones that consume drink after drink and never show any blatant signs of intoxication: No slurring, stumbling or increase in vocal volume. The only indication of their consumption that I’ve witnessed is a red or glazed look in the eye. I quite often have these types come into my bar, going on about how trashed they were the last time I saw them. I am just amazed at how well they hold their composure time and time again. It can also be scary. These would be the types that I would say good-bye to as they leave to drive home — and never give a thought to their ability to do so.
The Bad Drunk
Then there’s the complete opposite: The Bad Drunk. Also known as the “Instant Asshole: Just Add Alcohol” drinker. These are the absolute worst to deal with whether you are drunk or sober. Under the influence, The Bad Drunk becomes loud, angry, hateful and mean. They will NEVER admit to their obvious intoxication, and will argue with you on any subject that comes up, with that arguement often ending in physical altercations. They quite often end up with free accommodations for the night at the “Stupid Drunk Inn”, and get to follow up at “Stupid Drunk Court.”
Another type of Bad Drunk is not quite as horrible, but can be just as difficult to deal with. These are the ones that lose complete use of motor skills; can’t walk, and often end up on the bathroom floor and become quite personal with the “Porcelain God.” Getting these ones home or to another safe place can be quite a task for any involved.
The Funny Drunk
Now here’s the category I fall under (or at least that’s what I’ve been told). This is the most entertaining of the four categories: this is The Funny Drunk. Alcohol tends to bring out the comedian. I, myself, sometimes can’t believe the things that come out of my mouth after a few too many. These are the types that you want to have at your party or gathering to ensure that there’s never a dull moment. In my circle of friends, I have an abundance of these funny drinkers that make every occasion a blast. Some Funny Drunks have tendencies to take a few falls here and there — that would be me. But rarely do these mishaps result in anything more than a good laugh and anecdotes for future gatherings. Sometimes The Funny Drunk can become loud. However, unlike The Bad Drunk, they will more than likely oblige to your request to tone it down.
The Sad Drunk
Lastly, we have The Sad Drunk, or what I often refer to as “The Criers.” As much as I hate to admit it, these can sometimes be a little funny. Everything becomes tragic after a few drinks. On one particular occasion when I was working, I noticed a couple sitting at the bar and the girl was just bawling her eyes out. After some time had passed, I felt that maybe I should just check to see if she was gonna be okay. When I approached the couple the guy signaled me, indicating that it was really nothing to worry about, really.
It turned out that she had struck up a conversation with another customer who had a certain breed of dog that she had as a child. The funny thing was that she was crying over her deceased dog that had passed away when she was — get this — Three years old. I have another couple that I deal with at least once a week, and the girl always starts crying exactly two drinks in, every time. In my experience with criers, I’ve noticed it’s a rare occasion that they go hysterical and it’s often easy to ease their pain.
I’m sure we can all come up with stories involving one or all of these types of drinkers. I leave with one question: What’s your type? Remember to have fun out there and always be safe.