“I’m a Loser”
In the last issue of Bad Ass Chick, I described the YAPpie. He is the downwardly mobile, Young And Poor guy that is the most widely available type on the list of The Dirty Seven. The sixth of The Dirty Seven, YAPpie who has grown older but not wiser. Like the YAPpie, he is still penniless. He has not provided for his future, but he has some pretty twisted stories to explain whyOLMan (Old Loser Man) is very much like the YAPpie except that he is older. He is up in years; therefore he lacks the charm and the stamina of youth. But he has retained the quality that distinguishes all of The Dirty Seven: He is low-quality relationship material trying to hook up with a mate.
He is like a YAPpie who has grown older but not wiser. Like the YAPpie, he is still penniless. He has not provided for his future, but he has some pretty twisted stories to explain why. Usually it is because someone else is to blame, never himself. He has many stories of how he got passed over and screwed over, but not many about his successes. He can tell you a story for over an hour about how someone did him out of a job twenty years ago. But you will notice he doesn’t go on for long about anything that worked out for him.
The years have passed and the YAPpie’s hair had grayed. Instead of the devil-may care attitude of his younger counterpart, OLMan is cautious, suspicious, bitter, and controlling. He is set in his ways and not as open to the new. He wants you to do things his way or he gets annoyed. He believes his way is the right way. He is mostly cranky but he can rise to the occasion when first meeting a lady he wants to impress. He cannot sustain his charming behavior and it will wear off when he is sure he has captured his object of desire.
Old and Broke
OLMan never could hold a job for very long. Something or someone would make him angry and he’d walk off. Or maybe he didn’t feel like going into work that morning, “It’s a free country!” Sometimes he lost his job because he told the supervisor off. It was all a series of jobs anyway, not a career. Sometimes he did not have the skills to accomplish any job to its satisfactory completion. He didn’t have the discipline to sit through education or training.
He never had the gumption to start his own business or to rise through a company. He doesn’t take direction very well, because he thinks he knows better, so bosses tend to let him go. He is the aged and worn YAPpie, who has not learned from his mistakes. He is doomed to repeat his mistakes over and over again, because he does not have the insight into anything that he might be doing wrong. Though self-concerned, he has no insight into himself.
A Hopeless CategoryHe is old now and still behaving in ways that did not work out when he was young
Saying that something or someone is hopeless is taboo in our hope-filled culture. But hope means putting off into the future what has not been achieved today. You hope things will get better tomorrow. You are not sure; there are no concrete signs that they will, but you hope they will. People who are full of hope are often in denial of what is right before their eyes. They want to believe that everything and everyone can get better. Those are the people who stick around in a relationship with OLMan.
Nothing in OLMan’s behavior has given any indication that he is capable of changing for the better. He is old now and still behaving in ways that did not work out when he was young. Why does anyone think that someone whose life’s history is one of non-achievement and non-effort, is going to change miraculously because they have grown older? Like the abusive alcoholic’s wife, who returns for more heartbreak, the Hopeful Martyr who stays with OLMan keeps hoping he will see the light some day.
“Why do you put up with him?” her friends might say. “I keep hoping he will change. I love him so much. I mean, it’s true he abuses me emotionally and tries to control me and I spend most of my days being miserable with him. But I hope that tomorrow he will change and become the partner I had always hoped he would be.”
Little OL’ Me
The reason OLMan is the loser he is today is exactly because of persistent self-centeredness throughout his life. He has never been able to put himself in another’s shoes, be it employer, friend, or lover. He is the old guy who stiffs the exhausted waitress or hollers at the paperboy. He is the geezer who soaks the restaurant by buying a two-dollar sandwich so he can get the unlimited salad bar. Or, he may be the upscale OLMan, who mines the higher echelons of society for the mother lode.
He is like all of The Dirty Seven. You, personally, are not high on his agenda. You, as an object for him to use to achieve his ends might be, depending on how you fit into his drama. Here is a brief comparison:
- ScarMan sees you as a warm body with ears as he fixates on his ex.
- SideMan sees you as a little something on the side and nothing more.
- CrazyMan’s universe cannot include you. It’s so wacky even he doesn’t fit into it.
- GuyMan uses you as a ruse for his true desireï¿½another guy.
- YAPpie sees you as Lady Bountiful until the next gravy train arrives.
- OLMan sees you as someone who will take care of him in his old age.
OLMan, like his dirty brothers, makes sure he gets what he wants, even if it is at others’ expense. If you are involved in a relationship with him, you will feel the cold chill of recognition that you give and he gets. Wow! What a prize! You get to take care of him in his old age! Great! But who is taking care of you? He only understands self-interest and you are interchangeable with any woman. If you want to be loved as an individual, pass him by. He is not as savory as the fresh-faced YAPpie, who at least has sexual potential.
The Little Picture
But getting what he wants does not make OLMan happy, because he is lacking the essential ingredients of a happy life: Love and meaningful work. He has not figured out the logic that a life lived exclusively for himself only leads to loneliness, especially because there’s nothing much going on in “himself.” There’s nothing going on inside because he has been drifting around in life without purpose except daily survival. He survived but he has not really lived. So he is small, narrow. He sees The Little Picture. He is not a Big Picture person.
His small heart does not want to make things better for you. He doesn’t enter a relationship because he wants to give you his love and support. As with the other Dirties, it doesn’t occur to him how one-way his relationships are. They are not win-win. They are win-lose. He wins, you lose, for a while at least. Then he ends up being the loser when you walk out of his life. You toss him back on the beach, and he awaits another unsuspecting female.
Still out There
Yes, OLMan is still out there looking for a mate. Old and poor as he is, he really doesn’t like to be alone. In fact, because he is so empty inside, he can act very needy. He seeks companionship to stave off his loneliness, but his behavior ensures that he will always be solo, unless he snags one of the Hopeful Martyrs. But even with a Hopeful Martyr, who thinks if she waits long enough and prays long enough he will change, his essential selfishness makes the golden state of shared happiness impossible. He will never be happy, but she, who may have experienced happiness before she met him, will only experience it again when he is out of her life.