Oh no, B.O.

I’ve been asking women what they would like men to know and unfortunately for you guys, the word HYGIENE keeps coming up. Guys, you’re a piece of meat to us just like we are to you and we like that piece of meat to look good. If your sitting on your fat ass watching football all day and drinking beer then no wonder you don’t get laid. Newsflash: that doesn’t turn us on.

If you work in the dirt or on cars, clean your nails for Christ sakes! We don’t want to stare at your black fingernails while we’re trying to eat much less have you touch us with those things.

As far as clothes are concerned, have a little style. If it doesn’t come naturally to you then ask one of your girl friends to help you out. Chicks love doing that for friends. Don’t show up for your date in wrinkled pants because your too lazy to figure out how to use an iron or too cheap to have your pants pressed.

One of the things that really grosses me out is the pasty tongue. If you’re a mouth-breather and have a white film on your tongue that’s an inch thick, maybe it’s time to cleanse. There’s no way I would let that thing in my mouth. Brush your tongue! It also helps eliminate bad breath (the worst turn off, by the way). Carry some mouth wash in your car or some mints to make sure you don’t run into this. I was once on a date with a hottie but his breath was so gross I couldn’t even stand to talk to him out of fear of smelling his response.

Wear cologne. The smell of a man in cologne rocks my world. If your not sure what kind to get ask the beautiful woman behind the counter. I’m sure she would be glad to help you out. Don’t bathe in it. We don’t want you smelling like a “pimp daddy”. A couple sprays will do just fine or treat it like an after-shave. It’s a real turn on when your man has left but you can still smell him. Yummy. And by the way, Drakar is out. We are sick of it. If you’re one of those guys that hates cologne more than the Muslims hated the crusades, then try some AXE Body Spray.

Feet are another issue that need to be brought up. Don’t get in bed with us with hard scaly feet with corns all over your toes. If you have feet like this you may want to start getting a pedicure. No, it’s not gay to do that. Just think of it as another way to see eye candy by going to a salon and hanging out with a bunch of hot chicks.

Hair is my favorite. I love hair. Most women do. However there are some that don’t care either way. If your going bald then I’m sorry, that must be hard but please don’t take the few hairs you have and brush them to the top of your head like we can’t tell. It looks ridiculous. Screw it, your going bald, shave it all off. Many chicks love bald men. Also, gray is sexy. I love gray streaks. Especially if the guy has a brain and something interesting to say. I’m not crazy about the buzz look because I find it kind of harsh looking. My personal favorite is the wavy look. My fingers just want to slide around in it. Have some pride and make sure you wash your hair. And if your feeling really crazy maybe you could use a shampoo that smells good. Ask the chick next to you in the shampoo aisle at the grocery store to pick one out she thinks smells good.

B.O. There is a time and a place for B.O. and hopefully I don’t have to spell it out for you. Hmmmm. If you sweat like a pig then take more showers. We don’t want your stank ass all over us. Wash your pits with antibacterial soap to fight off bacteria, and use some AXE deodorant. It’s not full of aluminum and harsh chemicals like antiperspirant and seems to work pretty good. If you’re one of those guys that constantly has wet spots under his arms then maybe you should keep a few extra shirts in your car.

Facial hair. If you don’t have a mustache or a beard then make sure you shave before making out with your bad ass chick. It hurts. I have had the experience of my skin being rubbed off by stubbles and it sucks! If you have facial hair then keep it groomed please. Unless your Grizzly Adams and living in the freakin woods or a Rockabilly or Metal idol with an epic beard, we really don’t want that hard pubic feeling hair rubbing all over us. But thanks anyway.

I’m sure you love when your with a clean, groomed, shaved, great smelling woman. And we love the same. I think a lot of couples lose their sex drive because they don’t care what they look like anymore. Or at least they act like they don’t care. Have pride in your body. Treat it like the temple it is and we will definitely reward you for it! And believe me, if you show up looking like your fine self then you’ll have to fight us off!

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is an artist and writer.
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