Lost in love

Lately I’ve been watching the way we women become consumed by our romantic relationships. I say “we” because I am guilty of this sin myself. I can’t count the number of hours my girlfriends and I have wasted talking to each other about our boyfriends and over-analyzing every little thing they’ve ever said. Meanwhile, on the other side of town our men are out having a good time and living their lives — the way we should be. What does all this time we spend dissecting the smallest of details accomplish anyway? Nothing, except for a gradual loss of independence and individuality. Yes, a new man is incredibly exciting, but we need to make an effort to not get so swept up that we completely lose ourselves in love.

a new man is incredibly exciting, but we need to make an effort to not get so swept up that we completely lose ourselves in love

It’s bad enough that we get wrapped up in the idea of “we” or “us” and begin to ignore “me” and “I”. What’s worse is that we quickly drift away from our friends and start to spend most of our time with our new beau. I admit, it’s really tough to manage our time between our friends and lovers. It’s as if there’s a black hole somewhere that sucks us all up the minute we become enamored. Haven’t heard from Sally in a few weeks? Chances are, she met some handsome stud and mysteriously forgot your phone number, and you can bet when she finally does call you all she’ll talk about is him. But you’ll forgive her because you’ve done this to her before, and you know that when the glow of newness has worn off she’ll be by your side discussing all their problems and you can go out and get drunk together.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying love isn’t beautiful. Of course it is, it’s fantastic and amazing. But what makes love and partnering so wonderful is that two unique souls, completely independent of each other, have found that they make one another feel good just by being themselves. Love isn’t about giving yourself to the other person. It’s about being so much yourself, and so vulnerable in front of your lover that you can feel like you truly know each other. And what’s more, you like what you see. If you give up your sense of identity you are losing that truth and strength that attracted him to you in the first place. I say keep doing all the things that you loved to do before you met him. Take the time to fill your own cup as well as his, and you’ll find that your self-worth won’t be so dependant on whether he loves you back or not. Plus, he’ll feel less pressure which will make it a lot safer for him to let go, which will help you feel more secure and more powerful then you’ve ever felt.

Crystal River See all posts by this author
is a world traveled poet and photographer
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