I’d Rather Date a Cucumber

Ladies, if you find yourself feeling used, pushed aside or taken for granted it’s time to go to the produce department. Sometimes a good hard cucumber can be more satisfying than that emotionally unavailable man. They are both cheap and easy to find but you don’t have to worry whether the cuke is going to call you in the morning, or show up on time for your next date. With all the benefits of a vegetable companion you may be asking yourself why you waste your time with that jerk boyfriend of yours. It’s because commitment phobic guys are always charming at first – they have to be to hook you in.

Unfortunately, once they get you they spend most of their time trying to get rid of you. The best thing to do with these assholes is dump them before you Cucumbers come in all shapes and sizes with no back talk find yourself having the “where is this leading” conversation. This may be hard because “you love them” but get over it! Cucumbers don’t give excuses and cucumbers come in all shapes and sizes with no back talk! However, it is easy to get involved with a man like this because women tend to see the potential instead of the reality. But sooner or later you will forget the potential when you find yourself dumped.

In order to be a BAD ASS CHICK you have to learn to spot these guys before they hook you. For instance, your on your first date and he says he doesn’t want anything serious. Obviously, he’s looking to have sex with you for as long as you will let him without wanting anything more. If he’s hot, screw him once. If he’s good, do it twice. Then move on. Now, let’s say he’s hooked you. You’ve been screwing for awhile and he says he never wants to have kids or live together. I think that’s pretty clear. Then we have the guy who is just too damn “busy” for love. He’s working, going to school, picking up other women, blah, blah, blah. Somehow he always seems to find the time to have sex. Can you say supermarket? And we can’t forget the guy who never wants to “talk” about anything. God forbid he says anything but “oh baby yeah”.

If you stick it out for a while, he’ll just break up with you every few weeks to make sure the relationship doesn’t evolve. Basically you’ve been on a one night stand that lasted months. Finally, he’ll end it. You’ll wonder what the hell just happened but don’t worry, he’ll still have sex you while he starts dating and screwing other women all the while telling you you’re the one with the “baggage.” If any of these guys sounds like your man, what the Hell are you doing? Get your ass in your car and go to the supermarket. Remember, only organic.

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is an artist and writer.
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