Duh, I bench 400

Meathead-(meet’hed) jockus dumbusn. A man (or woman) who believes that being very muscular is the most important thing in life. Someone who values their physical appearance above any other personal quality.

I have recently started a work out regiment, which has helped me come to two conclusions. One: working out and eating right is a pain in the ass. I would rather eat pizza and watch TV. However, being over weight or unhappy with your physical appearance can effect almost every aspect of your life, the least of which is your self-esteem. At one point I was 50lbs heavier than my current weight and let me tell you, it sucked! People do truly treat you different based on how you look. I’m not sure how much of people’s attitude towards me was based on my own opinion of myself, the insecure vibe I gave off probably didn’t help, but even if I was the most confident person in the world I would still have been ignored to a certain extent. Being in good physical shape can dramatically increase the quality of your life, for several reasons, but it is not the most important part of who you are. Which leads me to my second conclusion: meatheads suck!

meatheads don’t own computers, they take up too much valuable mirror space

What are you guys thinking? Do you really believe that building your body up to a freakish level of muscularity is of any value at all? I’m not talking about guys who go to the gym, I’m talking about the aggressive retards that pump their bodies full of chemicals and deadly toxins and claim that they work out to be healthy. I’m talking about the guys who believe having biceps so large that they can’t clap their hands is more important than a functioning liver. Please, for God’s sake do me, and the rest of the world, a few favors. Here are my demands, if you ignore my requests I swear to God I will blow up every GNC on the face of the planet.

For starters, no more of that neon orange self-tanner. You are already enough of an eye sore without the bright body paint.

Don’t buy or drive a Miata, Mini Cooper, or Fiat!!! On second thought, go right ahead, I could use a good laugh. Nothing looks funnier than a big juice head emerging from a clown car.

Biker shorts, speedos, or spandex of any kind is not allowed. No matter how large you make yourself look it will never compensate for what’s withered away from excessive steroid use.

And last but not least, practice flexing your smile muscles. Do you always have to be such an unfriendly jerk? Say hello, be kind and courteous at the gym and in the world that does exist outside of it. You do not own the free weight section, let someone else work out!

I’m sure my gripes will not be heard by the people I have directed them towards, as meatheads don’t own computers. They take up too much valuable mirror space.

Crystal River See all posts by this author
is a world traveled poet and photographer
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