Badass Chicks are open-minded and not easily shocked, so at first sight, you may not understand why CrazyMan is “out there” instead of already taken. You like people who are “different” and aren’t afraid to try something new. But after a while you will understand, his diagnosis is not just “different;” he’s “Just plain nuts!” He is the third category of The Dirty Seven men to avoid if you are looking for a fulfilling, happy relationship. I am talking here, not about the obviously psychologically-challenged guy pushing his shopping cart down the street, gesturing and talking to himself. CrazyMan can behave and act within the broad range of what it considered “normal,” in public. But get to know him and you learn he has so many quirks, a hospital wing of psychotherapists couldn’t figure him out. He’ll end up driving you nuts if you give him a long-term try.
A Nutty Variety
CrazyMen have come in many varieties. Some have rituals they must perform every day. One needs to sleep with his teddy bear by his face. Another calls his mother three times a day. One fine-looking CrazyMan told me he practiced Urine Self Therapy (he drank his own urine every morning). Though some of these rituals may be tolerable in small doses, think about the long-term. If his ritual is to scrub himself down with Lysol every time after sex, it will ruin the afterglow and take its toll on your self-image.
A particularly frustrating example of CrazyMan I knew was at least an hour late to every date, as though it was a point of pride. He had to perform nail-clipping and eyeglass-cleaning rituals before going out to a restaurant. Then he spent unwarranted time deciding what to wear. After that came the hour-long, 3-towel shower. We’d arrive at the restaurant a little before 11:00 PM. The outcome of all this intense grooming was not obvious. It certainly did not compensate for the irritation I felt at waiting around for him to perfect the masterpiece.
Obviously, he was so consumed with his presentation he didn’t even see the rudeness of making me wait for hours. Nor did it affect him that the kitchen was closed when we finally arrived at the restaurant. The whole purpose of the date, which was to eat dinner and have a good time was canceled out by his obsession with self-grooming.
CrazyMan has obsessions and he doesn’t understand the thinking of people who are not similarly obsessed. He might be obsessed with railroad trains, for example. His conversation will center on them. He expects you to share his enthusiasm, just because he feels it so strongly. He will want to take you out on trains, show you his train set, buy you toy trains as gifts. He is blind to your inner life, desires, and personhood, no less to the fact that trains are not the center of your life.
He is in his own world, which he expects you to share. The problem is, he does not or cannot share yours.
The Stalking CrazyMan is the only CrazyMan that verges on the dangerous. He becomes obsessed with you, whether you like it or not. He thinks that you didn’t really know your own mind when you told him, “It won’t work out, have a nice life.” “She will come to her senses,” he thinks, when you ask him to stop following you. He will fill up your voice mail at work and your answering machine at home with messages. He floods your computer with e-mail. He doesn’t think about how unhappy this makes you, especially when clients and employers can’t leave messages and it affects your work.
Do not be flattered that it is because you are so irresistible. It is more about the fact that he cannot face rejection, he cannot let go. He wants to control you, pin you down, and know where you are at all times.
Another style of Stalking CrazyMan is the one who won’t take “no” for an answer when he asks you out the first time. He tries to talk you into it, ignoring the fact that you have said “No.” “Give me a chance. I’m great. You’re missing out on the time of your life. Give me some reasons why you won’t go out with me.” Don’t try to reason with him. He will only argue with each reason you give him, because he won’t acknowledge that you really mean “no,” no matter what the reason.
Again, it is not about you. Obviously, if he cared at all about what you think or feel, he would not be forcing the issue. Imagine what life would be like with this guy if he is like this before the first date!
Some CrazyMen have weird sexual practices. These activities may be interesting, at first, within limits. But if he has to indulge in them every time, all the time, move on. As with SideMan, there are two varieties of these CrazyMen: 1) The ones who tell you about their fetishes up front, and 2) Those who hide their fetishes until they erupt later.
(1) Up-front Weirdness
You may understand a man who finds a woman’s feet beautiful and wants to kiss them. But, if he spends the entire evening kissing your feet, even though he is up-front about it, the rest of you is going to suffer. He is honest about his obsession, but eventually this fixation is going to wear on you. He is attached to a part of you, not the whole person.
He tells you he likes to act like a dog or a seal and that if you care about him, you will get into the fetish with him. You try the seal routine, like my friend Ada did. Her lover wanted her to throw him raw, dead fish while he swam in a pool barking like a seal. Afterwards she was supposed to be turned on in the bedroom. But all she could think of was him with those dead fish in his teeth, acting like a fool.
He blamed her for not going along with his program. All of a sudden, she was the uncooperative and unloving one. He was so up-front about it, he thought he was the normal one and she was in the wrong for not wanting to please him. She told him that role-playing was fun but she also wanted tender intimacy and mutual pleasure, kissing, touching, and endearments. He certainly wasn’t able to go along with her program.
(2) Hidden Weirdness
The weirdness-hiding CrazyMan realizes that being whipped while wearing diapers is not totally acceptable to everyone. So he hides his practices until the day you come home and find him thus attired. Don’t think that the love of a good woman will pull him out of his obsession. You will then understand why sex with him wasn’t what you had dreamed it would be.
My friend Susan came home one day to find her fiance dressed like a baby. He wanted Mommy to read him a bedtime story. She thought she knew everything about this guy. How was she to know about this little quirk? He acted normal in everyday life. She learned that it is difficult to identify this type of CrazyMan. He hides his weirdness until it is too late. She was lucky she discovered this before the wedding.
The Common Thread
In His Own World
CrazyMan lives in his own world. That is why he can say, with a straight face, to a date over dinner, “I believe we should all drink our own urine at least once a day, preferably in the morning.” He does not see how bizarre it sounds to a person who does not share his views. His me-ism excludes any possible empathy with what you might be thinking at the time. Maybe you think it is a disgusting topic over the dinner table. Maybe thinking about doing it first thing in the morning is making you nauseous. But he does not see that. He is convinced that his position is so right, you can find no problem with it.
His lack of insight into you as a person is like ScarMan’s, who rambles on about the dearly-, or not so dearly-, departed. The difference is that ScarMan was mate-able enough to at least have a dearly departed. Usually CrazyMan has been tossed back before the serious relationship stage with any woman. That is the benefit of the CrazyMan: He is more obvious about his low partner-ability quotient.
The sexually weird CrazyMan’s me-ism makes you yearn for someone who can show affection, instead of role-playing. If you want to feel cherished during lovemaking, wish again. He does not have the empathy to put himself in your place romantically because his idea of romance may be turning you into a human taco and smearing hot sauce all over you. He doesn’t even try to understand what makes you feel special or what gives you pleasure. He is driven by his compulsion, as he kisses your shoe-leather instead of your lips.
What Can You Do?
Share his World?
Except for the weirdness-hiding variety, CrazyMan will give you clues about his un-mate-ability early on. Once you see them, ask yourself if you can live with these qualities over time. Novelty behavior now can cause impossible irritation five years from now. Some women close their eyes to glaring problems. They don’t want to look into the future, because they just want to stop the loneliness now. A few years later, they feel trapped as they watch CrazyMan go through his routines. Pass him by. A magic fairy will not come out of the sky and change him into the lover you have always dreamed of.
Throw him Back
What makes you think that CrazyMan is going to improve? It took him his whole life to create his loony world. Do you think he is going to get any better as he gets older? If you have to work very hard now to accept him now, forget it. You will have to work much harder when his repeated nuttiness gains momentum through the years. Throw him back now and allow yourself to find someone who does not need so much work.
Relationships must be fun for both parties for them to be happy ones. Mate-able men are out there too. True gems are difficult to find but they are everywhere, just like The Dirty Seven. But if you settle for a CrazyMan, you might have some guilt by association. In other words, you might be insane too, for putting up with his antics.