Buried Alive: Afraid of commitment?

When a woman tells her friends she is getting married you can hear the screams of joy for miles. She proudly displays her ring like a trophy from war while regaling her friends with the details of the proposal. Meanwhile on the other side of town, her fiance tells his friends that he’s taking the plunge. They all say, “That’s great man, I’m happy for you”. Which really mean, “Better you than me”. There is no denying that the genders are on separate wavelengths when it comes to commitment. We’re on separate wavelengths about a lot of things, but this issue seems to stand out the most.

So who is right? And what makes us feel the way we do about settling down. Is it something we were taught or is it biological. Well, it’s both. Men were created to spread their seed in as many healthy females as possible. Genetically they areMen shouldn’t think that every woman they date is out to trap them into marriage predestined to have a hard on for every attractive woman that passes by. So a large part of their fear is being denied the freedom to act on those urges. To a man, who is looking at it from a cerebral point of view, getting married means sleeping with one woman for the rest of his life. Damn, when you really think about it, it does sound scary. Imagine never ever having another sexual partner until you die. That’s a long fucking time. Plus most people stop having sex as often once they get married. Some lucky couples don’t let commitment stop them from having an erotic relationship, but most unfortunately join the once a month club. So can you blame men for wanting to put it off until they’re ready and have sewn they’re wild oats?

There is also the fear of choosing the wrong partner. Men have been bombarded by images of the nagging wife since early childhood. They imagine their woman changing into a mother figure and their dick goes limp. When we see a man nagging a woman and telling her what to do we think of it as being abusive. But when we see a woman telling a man what to do we think of it as merely annoying. Society has told men that being married means being trapped by a woman who will constantly be on his case, so he worries that this woman who he is so in love with now will change into an overbearing bitch. He likes things the way they are, so he avoids change. It will take a very special woman to make his desire to be with her over power his fear of being tied down.

Women were created to be caregivers and mothers. Genetically we are predestined to have nurturing instincts. We have the same desires that men have, and often times the same fears, but we have cravings for love and security. Even if we’re in a time of our life where we are not looking for these things we are hit with momentary longings. In a woman’s younger years these longings are more infrequent, some women don’t even get them until their thirties. Hell, some women don’t have them at all, there are acceptions, but it is a very common thing. This is where the term “biological clock” comes from.

To a woman, who is thinking about it romantically, getting married can means having

I just can't wait to get married!

I just can’t wait to get married!

a fairy tale wedding and living happily ever after with a man who loves her enough to propose. The problem is that most of the time we don’t think about how hard happily ever after is to achieve. It takes a lot of work to have a good marriage. There is no perfect relationship. There will always be fights and hard times. No one can live together and always feel completely satisfied with everything the other person is doing. We’re human, we’re bound to screw up from time to time. What is important is that we choose a partner that we care about enough to except their faults. I can’t stress this enough, DON’T TRY TO CHANGE HIM! If you are thinking of your man as someone who is good inside, and just needs a little work, get over it. He will always be who he is, you can’t give him a make over and turn him into a different person. Sometimes this feeling of taking care of or remaking someone gives the woman a sense of being needed. Which is the true desire of a woman who is seeking commitment. She wants to know that she is vital, important and loved. She wants to be with some one she doesn’t have to hold back with, someone she knows is going to be there for her no matter what. In her mind there is no better way for him to show her that then to offer to spend the rest of his life with her. She takes it personally when her man is not ready for the next step, and is hurt when he says that he wants to wait. She spends so much time wondering why he doesn’t want to marry her that she forgets to consider if she really wants to marry him.

Women have a tendency to get caught up in the romance of the situation, and sometimes overlook the warning sign because they want so badly for it to work out. That is one of the reasons that marriage has become a temporary situation these days. Once the honeymoon is over and we are forced to deal with the person we’ve chosen we often find that we have chosen wrong. We begin to feel buried alive, the very thing men were afraid would happen to them begins to happen to us. We don’t worry about that as much as they do, and are less prepared for it when the time comes.

In a lot of ways the men are right. We should take our time when making these huge life-altering choices. We should also be prepared for the hard times. Life isn’t a fairy tale and neither is marriage. It’s a partnership that can enhance your entire life if you wait until you’ve met the right person. In other ways woman are right. Sharing your life with some one can be the most rewarding and amazing experience on the face of the planet. Marriage can provide a safe place to grow and a feeling of security that can’t be rivaled.

Men shouldn’t think that every woman they date is out to trap them into marriage. There are a lot of us who want to sew our wild oats too. Remember to get to know each other before jumping in. There are a few people out there that have rushed in and made it work wonderfully, but there are also a lot of people who ended up feeling buried alive. Don’t play Russian roulette with your happiness, relax, stay in the moment and enjoy the time you have together now. After all, if you are going to be together for the rest of your lives, why can’t you spend another year enjoying the excitement of dating?

Crystal River See all posts by this author
is a world traveled poet and photographer
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