Love Me, Love My Baggage
You take an interest in him because he has more to offer in terms of personality than most of the other Dirty Seven. He has a certain amount of genuine charm. He has been financially responsible. That is why he is stillpaying for his past. He does have winning qualities that have made him attractive to a number of women who still seek contact with him.
Everyone who has lived has a certain amount of emotional baggage from past hurts. It is unrealistic to think that you can find someone who does not have a past and is not self-protective about something. People don’t come to us newly hatched. I am not talking about average baggage loads. I am referring to excessive baggage.
Different from the Others
He is not a one-note, obsessed monologist like ScarMan. He has more than one lady in his past and he is not focused on just one. Sometimes he has moved on emotionally from his past ladies. Sometimes he is still attached to them due to other obligations or because he has trouble with closure. An example is Ron, who still mows his one ex’s lawn every week in the summer because she is so helpless about that kind of thing. He does not want her back in his life as his wife, but, “I still have a place in my heart for her.”
He is not a con artist like SideMan though sometimes he only reveals the tip of his baggage. Like the iceberg that crushed the Titanic, its size becomes apparent only after the damage is done. It shows itself in mammoth glory after you have moved in with or married him. He is not looking for something on the side to supplement his already busy life. He wants one woman to help him run his complicated household. He already has enough going on with his exes to be bothered with a fling for his sexual gratification.
His main problem is he ends things sloppily and begins them sloppily as wellHe is not like CrazyMan, because his personal habits are well within the range of the norm. He has been able to sustain relationships and jobs. He has friends, understands what sounds nuts to the average citizen, and does not parade his eccentricities around.
GuyMan and he have very little in common. Usually BagMan is rampantly heterosexual and his sexual activity has resulted in children and attached exes. He is not interested in using a woman as a screen to hide his true sexual propensities. He has had a lot of experience with the opposite sex and you experience the fallout.
He is not like the YAPpie, because he has achieved some financial success in life, even if he and you don’t get to benefit from it. He is much older than the youthful YAPpie and has therefore been able to make more messes through entanglements.
He is not like OLMan, though he can be broke because of debts from his past. He is not young, that is true, but he is not specifically looking for you to take care of him in his old age. He is looking for you to take care of his whole entourage now, which is way too much for him to handle alone.
His main problem is he ends things sloppily and begins them sloppily as well. Maybe he is trying to be the good guy, especially with his kids. But he is not the good guy to his new lady. He expects her to put up with a lot of things he would not put up with from her. For example, if my friend Marla had brought four Pharaoh hounds, two teen-aged kids with discipline problems, her sick mother, two different alimony payments, an unresolved business lawsuit into her marriage with Scott, how understanding would Scott be? How understanding would Scott be if he were expected to stay home every day and deal with the household, while she went out to earn the income?
Marla knew that love required sacrifice sometimes, and she was willing to take all of Scott’s family into her heart. But they didn’t take her into theirs. The dogs liked her, which was good, because they had fleas and worms and she was the one who ended up taking them to the vets. But the kids resisted her disrespectfully. When she suggested they clean up their rooms, they stood fast and said, “You’re not our mother!” And Scott’s mother, well, nobody was good enough for her boy, least of all Marla. Marla didn’t cook well enough and she certainly did not keep the place white glove clean. Scott’s first wife, Pam, moron that she was, could at least cook a decent meal.
Scott spent a lot of time out of town to make enough money to support his extensive households. Now that Marla was married to him, she hardly ever saw him. But she did see, and clean up after, the dogs, the kids, and the mother He is not the obvious loser that some of the others demonstrate themselves to be. But he offers great challenges to your relationshipevery day and was repeatedly reminded how unwelcome she was. How did this happen to her? She fell in love with Scott and now she had everything and everybody related to Scott but not Scott himself!
A Difficult Category
Lots of Work
BagMan is a difficult category of Dirty Seven. He is not the obvious loser that some of the others demonstrate themselves to be. But he offers great challenges to your relationship. What started out as just you and he is now you, he, the kids, his exes, his pets, his parents, and his properties that need a lot of work.
Beth learned the meaning of the proverb, “A bride in June, a slave in September,” after she had married Tom. Their dates had been exciting and romantic. They had lots to talk about and shared many hobbies and interests. He was such a great guy!. He had everything she wanted: Good looks, intelligence, humor, great work habits, and no addictions. He was also clean and neat in his personal habits. It was just his post-marital habits that were sloppy.
After the honeymoon, Beth also learned the meaning of the expression, “The honeymoon is over!” Tom’s house needed a lot of refurbishing, so she was living with plaster dust and construction while she was taking care of Tom’s three kids from different marriages. The kids did not get along with each other and did not see why they should listen to or obey this new stranger in the house. She wasn’t even their mother anyway.
Tom and Beth boarded and fed the construction workers as part of payment for their work. So she prepared meals for them as well as the kids. Little Tommy was a diabetic and needed special attention and special meals. But what really took its toll on her were Wife #2’s phone calls and visits several times a day. Even though the ex did not have custody of him, she was checking on Little Tommy. She also wanted “Big Tom,” who had left her, back and waged her own campaign of insults against Beth and flirtations with Tom.
When Beth spoke to Tom about it, he said, “Well, she is Little Tommy’s mother and she does love him, even though she is nuts. She has her rights too. You never had kids, so you don’t know what it feels like to be a parent. Just do this one thing for me and be nice to her so we can all get along.”
That was the problem, “all get along!” Beth had not bargained for “all” these people and animals to accommodate. She thought she and Tom were going to build a life together. What she got was less like construction and more like destruction: Destruction of her happiness.
His past lives live on with BagMan. Sometimes it takes the form of an enraged ex-girlfriend. She continues to call but he does not put a stop to it. It’s almost as if he is keeping his options open. That is what you begin to think as she harasses you and he seems to not notice.
When Alicia moved in with George, his ex-girlfriend marred their newly found happiness. George had hinted at her psycho behavior but Alicia did not expect to find her tires slashed the very next day! She missed work because of this and lost revenue. The new tires weren’t cheap either.
The dirty tricks continued. Calls at 2:00 AM, threatening letters, and seeing the ex on the street made her life miserable. Finally Alicia had to take her to court, which was a harrowing experience in its own right. Alicia had never bargained for this little add-on to her experience with George. She thought she was just getting George!
The Common Thread
Of all The Dirty Seven, the me-ism of the BagMan is least obvious, especially at first. He is not self-centered. In fact it is his apparent generosity of spirit that allows all the hangers on in his life. He life isn’t even about himself, its about all the people and things in his life. But it is still his life and he imposes it on you. It is not a sharing thing. You are not imposing your baggage on him. He is foisting his on you. That means he is not looking at your needs or what’s in it for you. Yes, yes, love is giving. It is give and take! You give, he takes.
Like the other Dirty Sevens, he knows “right from wrong,” in the sense that he obeys the laws of the land and would never knowingly inflict harm on you or anyone else. But he does not know right from wrong in a love relationship. He does not see what he is doing to you. It is like he has a blind spot in his brain. He thinks you are as big-hearted as he is and don’t mind having a big impossible mess in your life. He also doesn’t see how unavailable he has become to you as he struggles to maintain his complicated life.
Thus, like the rest of The Dirty Seven, he lacks empathy and does not have the potential to be a partner in a fulfilling love relationship. Pass him by and move on. As a badass chick you value yourself too much to be stuck in the quicksand with BagMan!