Attack of the 5-ft creep

Picture this familiar scenario. You’re at a bar alone waiting for your friends, trying your hardest to avoid eye contact with the creep across the room who keeps looking at you. Out of the corner of your eye you watch him prop his 5-foot body against the wall and pose hoping you’ll notice him. His smile is obnoxious he pounces forward like an excited, polyester panther on the prowl and cocky and his unwavering stare makes your skin crawl. You make sure to keep your back turned to him, but you can feel him fucking you with his mind. This is a good time for a shot. It will keep you occupied and loosens you up for the impending attack. After downing your drink you check behind you to make sure he’s still on the other side of the room. He sees you look in his direction and pounces forward like an excited, polyester panther on the prowl. You can try to be nice, but he seems like the type who won’t take no for an answer. He’s the type who will try to impress you by telling you what kind of car he drives and how much money he makes, so lets have some fun! Here are 5 not so nice, but very entertaining ways to scare off the little tool.

  1. Nervous ticks, like facial spasms and upper body twitches, always freak him out. He won’t know how to react when you tell him your name then shake uncontrollably.
  2. Start telling him about the 5 kids you have at home and how you can’t stay out too late, but he can buy you a drink.
  3. Mention how good it feels to finally be outside, and how that mental asylum never let you drink.
  4. When he tells you his name, repeat it and start to sob dramatically. Tell him how your ex has the same name and go into the story of your painful breakup. Then describe how you’ve been stalking him for the past two years. Make sure to throw in a couple of scary bunny boiling like comments.
  5. Tell him you have to use the “can” and comment on the “big shit” you took when you get back.

These great scare tactics can also be used during the “date from hell”. If it’s not working out so well, and he is driving you crazy with his inappropriate sexual innuendoes, feel free to use the 5 ideas listed above. If that doesn’t work and he insists on coming in after he’s walked you to the door, by all means, let him in.

  1. Offer him a drink. Ask him if he’d like a soda, juice, water or a sample of your blood. He’ll most likely think he misheard you, so when you repeat yourself, follow up with “I am a vampire, I need to drink blood or I’ll die”. Just incase he thinks you’re joking, pull out the beet juice and gulp it down. If he likes it, run!!!
  2. Talk about some of the most popular self-help books that you’ve seen in the bookstore like Women Who Love Too Much or I’m OK, You’re Ok. Tell him how much you could relate to them, and how happy you are that you’re shrink told you to read them. If he sees this as a vulnerability he can use to his advantage make sure to tell him you have to visit that shrink because you killed your parents when you were 15.
  3. Tell him how great the night went, and how you feel like you have finally found the father of your children. Ask him if he wound mind giving you a sample of his sperm for artificial insemination because you don’t believe in sex.
  4. Tell him about how much you like to have sex with multiple partners even though it’s hard because of your genital warts and herpes.
  5. Tell him you have to use the “can” and comment on the “big shit” you took when you get back.

In any case, these tactics are a sure-fire way to get rid of these creeps. Remember, you might as well have something funny to tell your girlfriends about the next day, so be creative!

Crystal River See all posts by this author
is a world traveled poet and photographer
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